( he's expecting the question. he knows that she was bound to ask him because he hadn't been like this before and now he was. amos doesn't know if he wants to answer.
there's a simple, straight to the point answer and there's something longer that gives more background and more context as to what he'd gone through since he'd fallen asleep or unconscious or whatever happened to him.
he doesn't pull his hand away from her face, letting himself have that connection even if that darkness continues to try and engulf him. )
Alien parasite. ( he wishes he could see her, see her reaction, see if there's pity or concern or nothing at all there but darkness. )
We were sheltering from an earthquake and a tsunami and we picked the wrong place.
( he would have preferred the earthquake over this. maybe he would have died but maybe not. he'd survived worse things. )
[ if he chooses not to tell her, she won't blame him for it, won't even push for an explanation. but she's not sure if this is something that can be fixed somehow, if he's had this for ages now, or if he's experiencing it fresh for the first time now. hell, she doesn't even know if it's been days, weeks, months, or years for him.
the assuring part is that he still has his eyes, unlike when she'd lost hers completely. so maybe this wouldn't be permanent.
then again, when he answers, she's not quite sure what to do with it. alien parasites aren't really something she knows all too much about. ]
Has it been long? [ she realizes only after she asks, she could mean the blindness or even his time away from here, though the latter doesn't feel as important, or maybe it just shouldn't be. ]
( he shakes his head again. he'd barely gotten a chance to adjust to what happened before he was back here. he'd watched the same thing happen to the settlers, trying to ignore that it was happening to him.
until it did. )
A few...hours.
( he remembers his vision fogging up and then leaving him completely. he remembers sitting down and holden talking to him and then waking up here. )
I can't — I can't deal with it. ( the calm that she'd managed to bring to him seems to evaporate and he drops his hand, stepping back and grabbing for the gun again. he doesn't raise it to train it on her but he doesn't know what else to do but keep a hold of it and defend himself. )
It's too dark. ( he remembers the dark, he remembers what happens. ) It's too dark.
[ she seemed to have settled him somehow, but whatever momentary sense of ease he'd found had only been temporary, and with the withdrawing of his fingers from his cheek, she can feel him sleeping away in more ways than one. ]
Hey, hey, hey! [ but she's quick to respond too, her own hands reaching out this time, palms across his cheek as she tries to keep him focused on her. ]
Listen to me. We'll deal with this together, okay? Whatever this — whatever this is, we'll find a way to fix it.
[ not that she knows how, but while deerington has its curses, it has its fixes too. ]
But I'm not leaving you until we do. You hear me? Until then, I will be your eye and I will keep you safe. I promise.
( if there's one thing he can say for her right now it's that she's not afraid. not afraid of him being wild with a gun, of being angry and upset about something that was out of his hands now. she knew something about his past, about his affinity to default to violence and she still stepped closer and caught his face in her hands.
he half expects to finally see her when she does that but he doesn't. while his eyes don't focus, they do still and he tries to calm himself down as well even if he wants to scream and lash out at everything. )
Why?
( he grounds that word out between a too tight jaw. why is she going to help him with something like this? why does she want to put herself in that line of fire voluntarily?
and why was it so hard for him to accept what she was offering? )
[ she could be daring and reckless without a second thought, and it'd been much of the same when she'd stood in front of him, feeling the barrel of his gun pressed against her forehead, his finger ready on the trigger. maybe enough years in the apocalypse had taught her how to act despite fear, or maybe she's just convinced he won't actually shoot her.
whether it's stupid or genuine trust doesn't matter because it all leads to her snagging his face in her hands despite the gun he holds; she can't get him to look at her, but she can at least try to assure him that she isn't going anywhere. ]
Because I — listen, I don't know how long it's been for you. And I may just be some far distant memory in your past, and I get it if you've moved on from ... whatever we had, because I know how it goes when you leave and put this place behind you.
[ she'd done it too, and she knows when she came back, she hadn't been the same person. ]
But I haven't changed. I still care about you and I promised you before that I wouldn't let you deal with your shit alone, okay?
( it takes the words she's saying a few long moments to process. he doesn't pull away from her but tension continues to thrum through him, making him stiff and uncomfortable.
but her words, at least, permeate his anger and rage and fear. he'd told her once he hadn't really been afraid since he was five but here he was now, trying to shy away from what was happening. )
I tried to forget you. ( he knows how that sounds but it's the truth. he had to put it all inside a box just to deal with everything else. ) I tried to forget you and this place.
( convince himself it was a dream and move on. go back to his fucking life and be who he was before this fucking place.
he shakes his head but not so hard that he'd dislodge her hands. )
I still know who you are. ( he remembered. he remembers. he's different but it hasn't been so long that he'd managed to fully phase this place out. ) But you don't have to do this. It's not...it's my problem.
[ this isn't about whether they're together or not, or whatever it is that they were; she's known since the moment he ended up in that cocoon skin that things were going to be different in one way or another whenever (and if) he came back.
he admits to wanting to forget, and though there's a clenching tightness in her chest, she knows she'd done the very same thing when she went back, trying to keep thoughts of this place, of dana, far in the back of her mind, like if imagining it to be a dream would protect her somehow.
now that it's reversed, all she can do is try to ease him through it, at the very least, as a friend. ]
You're still a stubborn asshole, you know that?
[ but her voice isn't harsh, simply sighing as she curls her fingers against his cheek. ]
If you still know who I am, then you know I'm not leaving you.
( there's not a lot he can say to that, is there? he could, he knows, push her away and force that distance between them but if she's as stubborn as he is, then while she might let that happen right now, he doesn't think she'd let it be permanent.
he takes a noisy, strained breath, trying not to flinch away from her despite how he hated not be able to see anything but that all too familiar darkness.
he sags a bit, shaking his head in a last ditch, weak attempt to give her an out. )
You're an asshole too.
( and she might be more stubborn than he is all things considered. he blinks a few times, still trying to trigger something in his eyes that would clear this up and let him see again. )
[ they were both their own brand of assholes, but in a way that's probably part of what made her like him in the first place; maybe it's what he liked about her. because despite that, there's still good in him, something still genuine that it makes it so damn hard to give up on him. ]
And you could try. [ to no real avail. because she's definitely as stubborn as him. ] But we both know how that's going to end up.
[ with her still here, probably. ]
Let me at least stay and help you until we figure this out. After that ... after that, you can make up your mind whether you still want me around or not.
( for a second, he considers actually taking up that challenge an trying to make her walk away. he knows he has it in him, the cruelty and anger and aggression but that dark thought never gets further than a brief run through his mind.
he exhales, rubbing at his eyes even if it does nothing that he knows of. it just feels like something he has to do, should do. it feels normal. )
Fine.
( even through his own fog of uncertainty and irritation, he can hear something in how she says those final words that he wants to question but he doesn't. not right now. he can't focus and he knows his mood isn't good for a talk like that.
so, he just...let's it be. )
You can stay.
( he nods slightly, lips still turned down in a frown. but it's agreement. )
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
there's a simple, straight to the point answer and there's something longer that gives more background and more context as to what he'd gone through since he'd fallen asleep or unconscious or whatever happened to him.
he doesn't pull his hand away from her face, letting himself have that connection even if that darkness continues to try and engulf him. )
Alien parasite. ( he wishes he could see her, see her reaction, see if there's pity or concern or nothing at all there but darkness. )
We were sheltering from an earthquake and a tsunami and we picked the wrong place.
( he would have preferred the earthquake over this. maybe he would have died but maybe not. he'd survived worse things. )
no subject
the assuring part is that he still has his eyes, unlike when she'd lost hers completely. so maybe this wouldn't be permanent.
then again, when he answers, she's not quite sure what to do with it. alien parasites aren't really something she knows all too much about. ]
Has it been long? [ she realizes only after she asks, she could mean the blindness or even his time away from here, though the latter doesn't feel as important, or maybe it just shouldn't be. ]
no subject
until it did. )
A few...hours.
( he remembers his vision fogging up and then leaving him completely. he remembers sitting down and holden talking to him and then waking up here. )
I can't — I can't deal with it. ( the calm that she'd managed to bring to him seems to evaporate and he drops his hand, stepping back and grabbing for the gun again. he doesn't raise it to train it on her but he doesn't know what else to do but keep a hold of it and defend himself. )
It's too dark. ( he remembers the dark, he remembers what happens. ) It's too dark.
no subject
Hey, hey, hey! [ but she's quick to respond too, her own hands reaching out this time, palms across his cheek as she tries to keep him focused on her. ]
Listen to me. We'll deal with this together, okay? Whatever this — whatever this is, we'll find a way to fix it.
[ not that she knows how, but while deerington has its curses, it has its fixes too. ]
But I'm not leaving you until we do. You hear me? Until then, I will be your eye and I will keep you safe. I promise.
no subject
he half expects to finally see her when she does that but he doesn't. while his eyes don't focus, they do still and he tries to calm himself down as well even if he wants to scream and lash out at everything. )
Why?
( he grounds that word out between a too tight jaw. why is she going to help him with something like this? why does she want to put herself in that line of fire voluntarily?
and why was it so hard for him to accept what she was offering? )
no subject
whether it's stupid or genuine trust doesn't matter because it all leads to her snagging his face in her hands despite the gun he holds; she can't get him to look at her, but she can at least try to assure him that she isn't going anywhere. ]
Because I — listen, I don't know how long it's been for you. And I may just be some far distant memory in your past, and I get it if you've moved on from ... whatever we had, because I know how it goes when you leave and put this place behind you.
[ she'd done it too, and she knows when she came back, she hadn't been the same person. ]
But I haven't changed. I still care about you and I promised you before that I wouldn't let you deal with your shit alone, okay?
no subject
but her words, at least, permeate his anger and rage and fear. he'd told her once he hadn't really been afraid since he was five but here he was now, trying to shy away from what was happening. )
I tried to forget you. ( he knows how that sounds but it's the truth. he had to put it all inside a box just to deal with everything else. ) I tried to forget you and this place.
( convince himself it was a dream and move on. go back to his fucking life and be who he was before this fucking place.
he shakes his head but not so hard that he'd dislodge her hands. )
I still know who you are. ( he remembered. he remembers. he's different but it hasn't been so long that he'd managed to fully phase this place out. ) But you don't have to do this. It's not...it's my problem.
no subject
he admits to wanting to forget, and though there's a clenching tightness in her chest, she knows she'd done the very same thing when she went back, trying to keep thoughts of this place, of dana, far in the back of her mind, like if imagining it to be a dream would protect her somehow.
now that it's reversed, all she can do is try to ease him through it, at the very least, as a friend. ]
You're still a stubborn asshole, you know that?
[ but her voice isn't harsh, simply sighing as she curls her fingers against his cheek. ]
If you still know who I am, then you know I'm not leaving you.
no subject
he takes a noisy, strained breath, trying not to flinch away from her despite how he hated not be able to see anything but that all too familiar darkness.
he sags a bit, shaking his head in a last ditch, weak attempt to give her an out. )
You're an asshole too.
( and she might be more stubborn than he is all things considered. he blinks a few times, still trying to trigger something in his eyes that would clear this up and let him see again. )
I could make you leave.
( but he doesn't. )
no subject
[ they were both their own brand of assholes, but in a way that's probably part of what made her like him in the first place; maybe it's what he liked about her. because despite that, there's still good in him, something still genuine that it makes it so damn hard to give up on him. ]
And you could try. [ to no real avail. because she's definitely as stubborn as him. ] But we both know how that's going to end up.
[ with her still here, probably. ]
Let me at least stay and help you until we figure this out. After that ... after that, you can make up your mind whether you still want me around or not.
no subject
he exhales, rubbing at his eyes even if it does nothing that he knows of. it just feels like something he has to do, should do. it feels normal. )
Fine.
( even through his own fog of uncertainty and irritation, he can hear something in how she says those final words that he wants to question but he doesn't. not right now. he can't focus and he knows his mood isn't good for a talk like that.
so, he just...let's it be. )
You can stay.
( he nods slightly, lips still turned down in a frown. but it's agreement. )